Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
the day after is always just damage control
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
