Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
