Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
