I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
