She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
