There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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