I'm going to jail i love you
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
