I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
