It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
