So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
