Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Randomize
