May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
