we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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