are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
