listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I did not marry a roomba.
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