Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
