Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
