i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
