I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize