Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
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