dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
i've created a new STD.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
