Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
