Sponge bath it is.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
