Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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