At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
