How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
