Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
