break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
