Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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