so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
