I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
