just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
