I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
