i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
