you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
