Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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