I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
