um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
