How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
