dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
