Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
