hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
