The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
