my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
