Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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