She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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