I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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