oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Randomize
