My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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