josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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