I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
