Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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