Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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