John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize