theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
