I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Randomize
