that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
