Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
you will always have a special place in my vag
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
