On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize