she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
