I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
