At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
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