East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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